Mindbender

if Carole King can sing anyone at all with all her heart about someone out of the blue pops up coincidentally, then i can dream away. oh, what a year!

i’ve settled with a best friend who sometimes grumpy but all the time being the greatest. she listens and jokes around. we share tons of laughter and tears (from the jokes of course!). less than two weeks to count down. and shit i don’t want to! here, as i learn to do all of my home chores by myself and responsible to manage my financial including paying bills on time and making ends meet, i also find what i really want. ah yes, finally. soon we’re gonna scatter around the globe. as a lawyer, as a lecturer, as a student (again! OMG!), as a human right activist (teehee), as a researcher, as a housewife (anyone? hello? oh well..).

have tried to like beer but still can’t. still amazed to see some guys can live on beer only. bloodyhell! it’s like bitter, murky colour, and makes my stomach angry. have tried to enjoy wine but it makes me dizzy after the second sip. and leaves irremovable ugly stain on my lips. have tried cider, shots of lotsa stuff but they’re hell.

have experienced working my pants off til i felt MAD inside and felt like losing your hair bit by bit. finished my essay on time, or even a bit early, and with all the help from my friends, i dunno how actually, i managed to score (i hope!) on my hardest course. spent half of my days here in the beloved black building.

have built friendships with different kind of people, have experienced circus lookalike flat, have carried HUGE flattened boxes from Kings Cross to Stepney Green by myself, have walked in the shabbiest area at 2am at night with my panicky heartbeat and personal alarm in hand, have had a suprise picnic near the canal. have seen a woman bleeding at Greenwich like she had hemorrhage or stuff like that.

in the spare times from study groups and crazy essays and exams, i have fallen few times and didn’t work, hehe, and learn that the thing is you fall, you learn, and you move on. and i don’t mind. it enriches my epic life ^_^;;

have found my soul satellite who keeps me in the radar to cheer me up when i’m down, makes me smile when i’m cranky, makes me hum in the morning and brings me back from my detouring route. man i would be lost without you. i-heart-you as a bestfriend and a lover.

ahhh what a year. there is one thing i’m missing and i’ve planned to have it back. i will.

ps: and Pippilotta Viktualia Rullgardina Krusmynta Eframsdotter Langstrump should have said something but she just didn’t.. ^_^;;

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love
I wish you love, love, love, love, love
I wish you love (Rachael Yamagata - I Wish You Love)

beberapa minggu yang lalu dia keliatan brewokan dan berantakan, dengan rambut ga disisir dan bau yang kira-kira 2 harian ga mandi, pernah saya pergokin dia tidur di karpet depan kamer saya dengan bau alkohol yang masya oloh nek dan pernah sekitar jam 3 pagi saya turun ke kitchen cari minum dia lagi nangis sambil dihubur 2 temennya. selidik punya selidik sambil nunggu toast di pagi hari, ternyata dia bilang, dia baru dapet kabar kalo pacarnya, yang udah dijanjiin bakal dikawinin sama dia selese program LLM ini, meninggal ketabrak truk waktu naek sepeda, dan gilanya dia ngerasa cewe itu masih hidup karena udah biasa jauhan dan dia masih bisa ngebayangin kl si wanita itu does her routine as always. mengerikan. dia sampe belom bilang orangtuanya kalo si wanita itu udah meninggal, takut katanya, dan ga tau mau bilang apa. akhir-akhir ini dia udah mendingan, udah kembali masak (dan mandi) walo tetep brewokan, tapi dia udah bisa ketawa lagi.

hari minggu yang lalu saya liat si wanita ini pake kacamata item gede sambil senyum-senyum di dapur, tapi ngga ngomong, tiap kali diajak ngomong dan ditanya "ada apa sih?" dia cuma naro telunjuk di bibir sambil senyum lagi, dikirain becanda. ternyata sampe kemaren dia masih diem aja, ngga makan ngga tidur (soalnya kamer saya dibawah kamer dia dan jam 2 pagi, jam 5 pagi kalo saya kebangun dia masih kedengeran mondar mandir dikamar, maklum flat tua, semuanya bunyi kalo gerak dikit juga) soalnya keliatan dia pucet banget dan ga keliatan bekas dia makan. semua kitchen utensils dan segala macem tetep di tempatnya. sering dia keliatan ngelamun di courtyard sambil pake syal nenek andelannya yg gede banget. tadi malem akhirnya kita semua (selain dia) rapat besar di kitchen dan bagi tugas, saya kebagian nelpon temen saya yang dulunya psikolog (dan sekarang dia tukang bikin pelem, lho?) dan minta pendapat kedua dari dokter rini. setelah denger semua pendapat akhirnya esther pergi ke konseling pagi ini dan kalo makin parah dalam 1-2 hari, kita bakal seret dia ke bagian konseling Queen Mary.

pernah ini cewe dateng ke kamer saya jam 11 malem sambil nangis mata bengkak bawa tisu sebox dan bilang, ga bisa punya hubungan kaya gini, racing with the time. karena mereka bedua tau kalo abis program ini beres, kecil kemungkinan kalo mereka bisa ketemu lagi. pernah mereka di kamer masing masing online dengan google earth di screen trus pura-puranya si cewe ini jalan bareng si cowo di taman depan rumahnya si cowo di selatan asia, aiih romantis. si cewe liberal metal produk barat dan si cowo islam abis dari Lahore yang selalu makan halal meat dari koshier. dan mereka (katanya) lagi jatoh cinta abis. hadoh.

sementara si wanita jepang lucu ini kerjaannya ngangguk ngangguk kalo diajak ngomong, dikirain ngga ngerti, abis dia cuma senyum senyum sambil bilang "umm, yeah yeah" pernah kejadian waktu cleaning lady brengsek itu ga bersiin kamer kita 2 minggu, esther dan saya udah pasang tampang kesel sambil ngomel-ngomel dan dia cuma ber uung-uung ria sambil nunduk-nunduk, ih ni anak nanggep ga sih, ternyata kalimat terakhir dari dia cukup mengagetkan, sambil tetep pasang penuh senyum ala orang jepang dan berintonasi sopan dia bilang " uung yes i think she’s just a lazy bastard.. ung uung.."

si lelaki ini tiba-tiba bilang "hey Citta, if we have time to answer the fourth question, can we do it?" maksudnya ngerjain pertanyaan keempat di exam kita, dan pagi itu saya megap megap jawab TIGA pertanyaan (yang emang harusnya dijawab tiga, bukan empat, d’oh!) di exam sampe pengen nangis. dan dia bilang dia mo ngerjain pertanyaan ke empat? silakan deh. oh iya si lelaki ini dulu sempet kaget pas denger saya muslim dan mergokin saya minum wine beberapa detik kemudian. oh well.

dan inilah keluarga saya di sini. Flat 1 Ifor Evans Place.

*sighs*

Trapped in this routine, still i’m counting down the days, silly i know, yes i’m longing, no i’m not in denial. No need flowers from the winner of Florist of the Year 2006 in Notting Hill (the cheapest costs £25 anyway, what a rip-off!), i just want to go to Tom’s and have a really nice brunch. It’s just across the road. The egg benedict is the best and the muffin is indescribable. I promise i’ll take you down Pembridge and Westbourne. If we have time, maybe we’re off to Hampstead, walk in the woods and have the nicest crepes (the one on Champs Elysees sucks!) on earth afterwards. We can sit on the bench near the antique lamppost with beautiful yellow dim light.

The day after, we can walk along the river from Tower Bridge to Jubilee Bridge. Quite a walk i know, but that’s the best way to show you the odd black egg-lookalike thingy that stands alone, the best angle of St. Paul, a blue ring on top of Tate Modern, the pier where you can look up to OXO, and the trees with blue light. Or maybe go to Leicester Square and see some skanky girls in skimpy skirts. You’re gonna love it, i know. I have millions of plans in my head.

Anyway, it was saturday when my anxiety was answered by placid nothing. Nothing as in nothing-nothing. Period. Great. 

so.. "you don’t know or you just don’t want to know?"

bangun pagi, snooze, mandi uler, cereal n banana, girl time in the kitchen (cuz none of the guys wakes up early!), jalan sambil ngedumel "hadooh panas bener sih!", tube, Russell Square, Tesco/Waitrose for sandwich (for lunch!), IALS, cari-cari si keriting duduk dimana *stalker mode: ON*, study group, study, panic a bit, pull myself together, model answer, stare out the window, study, model answer lagi, daydream, cek email, study, the Internet, lunch in the park, study, don’t answer phonecalls (perpus sialan!), study, bengong, lirik-lirik si keriting, back to study, off to Covent Garden sometimes, coffee break, back to study, pretend to go to the ladies (padahal mo liat si keriting), study (or try to! by that time i’ve lost more than half of my concetration), first bell rings n i’m out, walk to Holborn to get some fresh air, get on the hot and steamy tube, walk on Mile End and hum some songs, jogging (if i don’t feel like fainting!), mandi beneran, dinner, chat with Kris n Esther, have tea in the courtyard, chat with Ifor Evans bunch, out with ppl after library sometimes, (intend to) study at home (and end up hang out in the kitchen or chat on MSN!), sleep early, dream about the exams, and the parallel universe starts all over again.

ps: teman-teman, maap kalo ngga diangkat telpunnyah, itu tandanya ada librarian di radius 2 meter. but hey! after the 10th, i prrrooomiiise we’ll do bar hopping! or shopping! or eating out! or karaoke-ing! anything!

Kata Esther "go for something real!"

i’m a daydreamer. i’m a go-getter. i’m wistful. i know when to start and when to press the ‘off’ button. i can’t believe if you-know-who doesn’t get it. and sometimes people are too naive. but something really strong doesn’t mean that it’s real, sometimes it’s just you and your you-think-it’s-something thing.

Kata Kris "follow your heart"

my heart leads me to somewhere murky with endless bottom. i have zero sixth sense and blunt inkling. i have to sharpen it otherwise i’ll get lost, oh well! so far, i’m happy the way i am now. i have no hunch where this goes to. oh heart, hear it not, for it is a knell, that summons thee to heaven or to hell. (Macbeth).

Kata Annisa "makin cantik aja bu!".

Ahahaha reaally? still me and my faded jeans and t’shirt, the different is just some turnovers. i’m still the girl who likes to spend her time alone reading books and going shopping alone. Make up and being girly don’t make me feel fully complete. Books do. laughing does. This is probably just making myself spiffy and i like experimenting, hahaha! Still i only want him to think i’m pretty even without my make up and my pretty dress.

Kata Imel blog gue keren.

Yeah right, it’s just wallowing, ramblings and some knick knacks. I write blog when i kill time and when the feeling is killing thus need a medium to pour it on. I make analogy, i say it in disguise, i put some hints here and there, i lie, i make comparison. Nevertheless, the significant matter is always the same, the thing is if you are clever enough to decipher the code. Still i doubt it if someone whom i always talk about read it. Or is it better if he just doesn’t know?

Kata Superman, "i’m always around"

SMS doesn’t deliver voice. Email needs computer and internet connection. Skype is for my family, stingy me. MSN needs two computers, here and on the other side. Europe needs schengen visa. My mobile is friggin expensive to make international phonecalls. Letters are so yesterday, and i’m too lazy to go to the post office anyway. I wonder. weell, friends around. family is reachable. he’s (somewhere) around. and i keep my fingers crossed.

hey kamu! saya rindu! v(^_^)

yeah, even though he is so goddarn clumsy and definitely the biggest nerd at the Daily Planet, i absofuckinlutely would choose the real and common guy Clark Kent to be my guy! the reasons apart from those tight spandex pants and yellow seamless belt are, urm, when watching the movie, i suddenly stumbled upon the thought that girls don’t need superheroes in their lives, well at least I ain’t need it! i don’t some busy guy with his useless red bed linen lookalike on his back who poses all the time with sunset as the background, not to mention his curly fringe neatly hanging on his forehead. i can’t say flying across the city is not cool though, but whatevaaa, it’s not urgent anyway.

well i’m not saying that i don’t like him though, but i just think, Clark has way nicer personality, urm nah, aura! and the way he awkwardly moves and how he looks at Lois with his hopeful glare are way more real! but it’s so shame of her to not aware of Clark’s presence, well she completely ignores him, being oblivious when he’s around and when he glances at her. poor thing. she doesn’t love him just the way he is. Clark, you know what, maybe u should’ve left her earlier! i know you’re not that stoopeed!

oh girl, no snazzy superhero costume can hide the real personality if you really love someone, no silly curls on the forehead can disguise a sweet face with a black framed glasses bridging on it, and no tight blue spandex with an undie worn inside out (and urm, some bulging ‘thing’ that appears, EEWWW!) can make you blind of someone’s affection (or devotion ^_^;;) close by.

"beauty is in the eye of the beholder" (unknown)

Final exams udah makin deket aja, jelas dong kita se-geng nangkring di perpus terus,dari acara lunch, coffee break sampe nge-pub diwarnai diskusi-diskusi kecil sekitar Intellectual Property, maklum, kita anak-anak IP classes. Tapi eeer.. kenapa semakin saya belajar, semakin saya puyyyeeeng sama rezim ini. aduh gawat. Coba aja baca dikiiit soal paten obat-obatan, ini bener bener gila, sekitar 70% pharmaceutical industry diinvestasikan untuk obat-obatan ngga penting sebangsa obat kecantikan, kesuburan, multivitamin, yang notabene manfaatnya dimanfaatkan untuk negara-negara yang mampu mengkonsumsi, sementara developing countries seperti kita ya silahkan urus sendiri tu obat malaria dan TBC, yang harganya makin mahal karena compulsory licensing ribetnya bukan main. ah sudah gila. Lucu juga, di satu belahan dunia, orang-orang tampak cantik jelita dengan obat yang bikin rambut mengkilat dan pembesar boobs, sementara di belahan dunia lain, orang-orang pada mati karena obat-obatan kemahalan. Oh well..

Ada lagi orang-orang yang mencoba Patenting Life, dari DNA sequence sampe binatang semuaaaa dipatenkan (ada tikus yang bawa penyakit kanker untuk penelitian obat anti kanker udah keluar patennya, namanya Oncomouse), katanya for the sake of research and technology, ah masa?

Ada juga cerita obat anti retroviral HIV/AIDS yang terlalu mahal di Afrika karena industri ini, dan ada juga Artisemin, obat malaria yang so far paling tokcer, yang tumbuhannya hanya bisa didapat di Cina, sekarang lagi dicoba untuk dipatenkan, tumbuhannya lho, berarti ntar kalo patennya tembus, siapapun yang nanem ini tumbuhan kudu bayar royalti sama si patent holder. Ufff.. apa jadinya negara-negara dunia ketiga yang ngga mampu beli obat?

Satu lagi soal Intellectual Property yang ‘katanya’ the major purpose is to promote useful art and science. dan sekarang kita kesusahan karena semuaa ditempeli rezim ini, dari database yang ngga jelas kok bisa-bisanya factual information dilindungi demi investasi si pembuat database, sampai royalti buku-buku akademik yang alamaaakk mahalnya minta ampun. Masalah Peer to Peer filesharing lebih gila lagi, record companies udah mulai membabi buta menuntut ISP untuk nge-ban P2P usernya. holoh holoh.. belum lagi mengenai copy control yang ngga boleh dibongkar, loh, gimana kalo kita mo bikin back-up koleksi pribadi? gimana soal private use? gimana tentang fair dealing yang memperbolehkan kita share koleksi kita, loh, namanya juga PROPERTI, hak kita toh, mo dijual, mo dikasiin ke orang lain..

Sementara aktivis human rights di setiap international instruments gembor-gembor menyatakan keberadaan IP harus nomer dua setelah human rights, IP legislation adem ayem aja tuh, mana ada IP legislation yang menyebutkan kata "human rights", sementara Human Rights udah dari jaman Universal Declaration of Human Rights udah nyebutin nomer satu adalah "science and knowledge" sampe jaman sekarang yang paling baru, Adelphi Charter yang menyerukan ke seluruh dunia kalo IP ngga boleh jadi barrier Human Rights, hihi.. ini namanya bertepuk sebelah tangan!

Jadi udah jelas dong, exam essay questions yang akan saya jawab adalah.. Human Rights, Technological Protection Measure (and how to circumvent it ^_^) and Limitations and Exceptions alias bagaimana cara menggunakan limitasi sebangsa educational purposes dan private use, hehe. Untuk kita-kita di developing countries, mendingan cari jalan buat ngeles aja deh dari IP, daripada jatuh sengsara. ^^;;

i dunno who casted the spell or made a voodoo or ouija magic on me, but the things seem so fickle. sometimes Chuck (as in Chuck Norris :p) seems more interesting because of the aggresive opinions about anything, willing to listen and give counter arguments, open a vast topic of conversation and sometime i can’t help myself giggling while reading the email all the way. the way the argument flows seems so fascinating, the greatest part is Chuck doesn’t have any access to the Internet, only depending on knowledge in his brain. awesome. and i have to say that he’s so funny and adventurous. Chuck successfully makes me amazed. Like a superhero, Mr.X or Superman perhaps.

Most of the times the 304 miles seem so sweet with the innocent grins and insignificant conversation. from doughnut to funny clips, just talking away. the greatest thing is he’s got this groovy musical taste. but no argument otherwise he’ll back off. how funny life can be, it is a guy who says that he likes to discuss anything that we’re talking about here. 304 says that i always sound judgmental and rather harsh than being open-minded so he hates arguing against me. well that’s me if i talk (ahem, argue) about something. i’m a law student, remember. i stand up for my argument. i’m being persistent. once i got so pissed because the topic doesn’t expand. well i mean, it HAS to, we have unlimited access to the Neuromancer, we have to make the most of it. his stoical side sometimes makes me sick.

However, 304 is the sweetest, while Chuck is a superhero with all his Super Knowledge and Supercool Job, 304 is a typical guy next door that can make your hearth ooomph when you see him walks out from his door. i like!

Whilst meeting the Superhero seems so impossible, 304 has already set the date. Superhero keeps extending the contract for Gotham City, busy fighting against Lex Luthor. The sweet 304 miles guy makes the distance easier to bear. way way easier. and i like if someone’s there for me. not a lucrative Megaloman who tends to fight against crime and unjustice here and there endlessly. too hectic. even the conversation spellbinds me, still i don’t like it. with 304 i can imagine that we are Bonnie and Clyde, or Dharma and Greg. sweet. oh, i love the innocent grins, wouldn’t miss it for the world. ^_^;;

well let’s see how things go.

Yeah. this is the 40th time i guess.

See it over and over again. Just to check if it doesn’t change.

"who i want to meet: You. 304 miles from here."

let’s do the math here.