Mindbender

oh geee!

two entries a day! this is soo not good, this means im in acute level of boredom or.. or.. i just have an unstoppable urge to share! teeheee, oh well i’ll make it really concise i promise. this is about bloody ex girlfriends! blaaaah! hahahaha!

well, i am some guys’ ex girlfriend and i think i always keep myself to be well-behaved (and i’m too proud to woo my ex, cmon i mean, EX? D’OHH?!!) . i mean, i don’t cross the line by annoying my ex’ relationships with their new gurls. urm, i keep in touch with them by ask them to have lunch sometimes or hang out with them and their friends. some of them are my good friends now, even one of them now is dating my best friend and we sometime hang out together. what a strange combination i know, like he’s got "Citta was here" sign on his forehead and she’s got "Hiya! i’m Citta’s best friend and she’s my matchmaker" on hers. woohoo. eh, kidding, but seriously, we’re just fine.

well, when i was overseas, bloody far from my ex, suddenly some gurl out of nowhere scolded me saying that my smses to my ex were not necessary and damn unimportant. i was 15000 miles away from them and she thought i was an ominous danger that would attack anytime. she bombarded me with dozens of emails saying that i didnt need to be in touch with her guy (now her ex) anymore. whoaaa! hold your horses, girlie! that time i thought, d’oh! he’s not even my type anymore and i don’t accept recycles! helloooo.. and that moment, i really couldn’t imagine myself to be that jealous if i were in her position. bloody far fetched.

but can you imagine, your guy, your present lover who sends you mushy smses or flowers or chocolate (eeek!!hahaha) everytime used to bloody kiss other girl (BAH BAH BAH!), had the same capacity of loving her the way he loves you now, or even bigger, once shared his life with her, picked her up and dropped her off anywhere she wanted in order to make her happy (BOOM!), merely to get a nice kiss at the end .. aand.. and she, somewhere out there, even not with him anymore, is still alive?? %$@"!! don’t you feel sometime that u want to drop a bomb on her? especially on those who still text? geee, now i can understand why we have this bloody grudge towards ex girlfriends! hahahaha..

sheeeeeeeessshh what am i writing here? anyway, all in all, i just realise that it IS understandable. we’re girls. sometimes we bitch (and we DO have a reason to be bitchy at least once a month!) and we are emotional. so.. so.. ahh it’s my PMS hormones talking here. nevermind girls. forget it. nevvvverrrminnddd!

ps: this is ONLY a rambling! no implied message or hidden agenda whatsoever. ^o^

been a week this song is played really often. being a commuter with crazy workload and so little time is finally paid off. i don’t juggle being torn apart between two cities, this is such an easy peasy lemon squeezy (yea-huh!!) thing to live through. cuz you know why? ahemm.

Someone to hold me tight
That would be very nice
Someone to love me right
That would be very nice
Someone to understand
Each little dream in me
Someone to take my hand
To be a team with me

Oh, yes, that would be so nice
Should it be, give it me, I can see, that would be nice

(Bebel Gilberto - So Nice)

cuz there is someone who’s samba through life with me. yes it’s goddamn nice.

warning, this entry won’t be reader friendly and understandable. pardon me!

yesterdays

had a nice walk in a campus at night. pretty much sneaking in, climbed up the fence and ran off when we saw flash of light belonged to the security guards. walk along along along along till the night got late and off we went home. life is nice indeed.

"i need a hug.." yes dear, everybody does.

too pampered too spoiled. but i like. gee thanks.

had hundreds of how are yous and dozens of nothing at all lines. once again. i like. so bloody much.

no lampion but there is nasi liwet and Casino Royale. can i smile now? can i can i???

today

tha big boss came and i couldnt help myself from giggling. darn mobile phone. that was a meeting with lit lawyers. isn’t that invention awesome? jakjazz, i don’t care. moot court, well i do care, a bit, but puhleeze don’t ruin my saturday night. hehehe..

being sucha white slave, late lunch but it paid off.

tomorrow

playing hard to get like a highschooler. if you want to pick me up just do it, darling. tomorrow is friday night! yippie! and i’ve got my saturday off so i don’t have to set my alarm clock and wake up early in the morning. don’t we all love weekends?? hehehe.

horror movie. wimbledon. the latest asterix. graduation. so many plans so little time. lets do it darling, one by one!

isn’t life beautiful?

it starts with "this very fine young lady should get married, not working and studying all the time, because at the end of the day, what are you chasing after?"

ahem. well old people, i can argue this for hours. I’m not saying that i don’t want to get married. i would love to, trust me. tomorrow if possible! but the thing is i haven’t found the right one. to spend the rest of my life with. to forever sit together on the sofa and watch TV/read books/talk. to raise kids. too cook in the kitchen. Meanwhile, i have some more things to do. i’m thinking until i find the right one, i will continue working. this is the world that i really feel that i belong to. there are students waiting in the class for my lecture. there are due dates to meet and tasks to finish. there are knowledge and new things to learn everyday. how come you old people don’t enjoy this? it feels damn fab! better than being domesticated and watch infotainments at home after doing home chores.

however, i feel bad to my mom, having to answer all these nonsense grandmamas utterances. she has to deal the fact that her oldest daughter is not into marriage (yet), oh wait, not not into marriage, but still has not planned to get married. later mom, i will!

"oh! can you just please goddamn say it!"

hahaha people would frown if i say that i’m a girl who will speak up if i have a crush on someone. just blurt it out babe! how come only guys who have the right to say and we have to shut our mouths off! but believe me, in our ideal world where we are supposedly chosen and guys are the bees who buzz and sting near the nectared flower, it’s not that easy for girls to say it. too proud, that’s the main reason. gengsi tai kucing. wimpy perhaps! but sometimes if it’s too hard to bear, maybe it’s the time to speak your mind. sometimes they are just daft and get it wrong. sometimes they think that you’re not interested by playing it hard. ahh enufff, sounds like a letter in agony aunt at cosmogirl. oh please!

"loh salah siapa pake baju seksi, makanya disuit-suitin tukang ojek tuh!"

hey all pervert creature, dont blame it on the outfits, but it’s your problems of holding your horses, and keep your stupid gutter-ish mind in your pants! we don’t whistle off guys who have nice bums, we don’t pop our eyes out to see hot guys in the streets. hello. i wonder how on earth they have the justification that it’s girls in skanky skirts’ faults that the rape cases’ increased. bah. my fu*kin ass. aiyy, excuse my French.

I’ve been watching your world from afar,
I’ve been trying to be where you are,
And I’ve been secretly falling apart,
I’ll see.
To me, you’re strange and you’re beautiful,
You’d be so perfect with me but you just can’t see,
You turn every head but you don’t see me.

I’ll put a spell on you,
You’ll fall asleep ‘cos I’ll put a spell on you,
And when I wake you,
I’ll be the first thing you see,
And you’ll realise that you love me..

(Aqualung)

"and yes, you are my strange and beautiful.."

Soo many lifes i’ve left.

The girls at St. Johns Court that always talk until late. Let’s burn the midnight oil baby! no studying no books, just us and the wine. even some say wine and girls don’t go together, well actually they do! see how we laugh our asses off with tearful but cheerful shrieks?? One tells about mind fuck and pet names, one gordes queen who writes amazing blog. I love you. Sometimes my eardrums hurt but damn girls! i love you soo much and been missing you a lot.

Stocks and Ifor Evans Crazy bunch.

Some guys who do rollies under the tree. One is a bit scary and touchy, eek! one is grumpy like my grandmama and hates poshy places. One cute with chubby cheeks and friendly smile. One makes funny remarks like "i’m a frustrated artist, oh no, i’m just frustrated!". One does funny gestures and a bit jumpy like a clown. And they all play cricket under my window. Insane but jolly fun.

Flatmates come and go.

We invented Pasta Masala and that was a big success. I know some crazy kinds of tea such as Fennel and Sencha from this girl who is German, who doesn’t like beer and follows my habit drinking shandy! She doesn’t do the dishes and has to be kicked at the ass to do it. She has lame sense of joke (like me) so we laugh at the same stupid things that people think it is not funny. We dance in the kitchen, we gossip and we cook (or try to cook ^_^). One mexican, one american, one british pakistani, one true pakistani, one indian, one japanese. Let’s count how many.

Fall in and out.

An Indonesian guy who left me because of family matters. Ah nevermind. A guy from SA who has lame ‘Seff African’ kind of joke. My german flatmate would frown hearing him joking around. But he’s damn nice and lotsa surprises. A curly londoner with crazy teeth (but killer smile) at the library who ends up emailing me, until now. Likes him a lot. A malay guy who was a wicked late night chitchat friend. An old friend who turns up being a witty and kick ass friend. or best friend. or lover. or more than just lover. anything.

Hangouts

This guy and his sidekick love exotic restos. From ethiopian to spicy tacos at mexican resto. We go clubbing at Guanabara and go bar-hopping around hoxton. Next is an easygoing girl who’s too attractive sometimes makes her in trouble. Last dinner in her flat she cooked an amazing Indian food. Perfect! This girl is my partner in shopping, also gallery going, jeans hunting, and some more places to go because of boredom! Hey remember this aaawwesome vietnamese resto? *winks*. Some girls in the gang are also unbelievably great. Tesco guy girl. Cabrona girl. and the trip to Cambridge was soo damn cool! Captain Kidd was found because of this big bloke craved for homey but quiet bars. comes Proud of Whitby. Yes, a silly name but wicked place! Someone who likes movie-going finally arrived here in Jakarta few weeks after me. at least if the city lingers too much i’ve got a friend to share. hehehe. comes dinner at  Kings Cross with the girls, a filmmaker and her husband, and a mad doctor who dates her professor. Fabulous people.

Nice life. I know. I enjoy every second of it.

Ah saya naïf sekali menganggap udara vakum ada artinya. Kalo gelas tidak berisi air itu artinya kosong. Ngga kurang ngga lebih. Kalo orang ngomong doang ya artinya kosong, kecuali ada tindakan lain. Betul toh? Loh kok jadi marah? Nggak sih, cuma setelah sekian lama mengganggap diri sendiri ini realistis dan ngga emosian (yea right!), nyatanya tadi pagi saya bangun dengan keadaan marah.

Cuma satu kalimat di kepala “WTF am I doing to myself?”. Saya tau ini bikin cape hate. Tau kalo saya bakal jadi pihak yang begadang dan menggila, tapi teteeep aja begini. Tunggu hari rabu, toh kamu akan ketemu pengacara-pengacara ganteng di salah satu mall terkenal di ibu kota. Loh apaan sihhh ini? tadi kan lagi ngomongin emotional drought, ckckck, dasar rajanya OOT. Hmm.. saya lelah. Seperti lari keliling sabuga 20 keliling dengan kebiasaan hidup yang penuh asap rokok. Seperti nyetir mobil di Bandung dikala weekend. Seperti baca buku the Pickwick Papers yang penuh deskripsi tapi ujungnya garing.

Saya letih. Mungkin ini saatnya untuk berhenti.

And what I mean by secretly is secretly falling apart. terribly and extremely.

If only..

Living there was way too cool! How the friends make me feel and how the places amaze me. South bank, Tate, V&A, Camden, Finchley Road, Sainsbury’s, Waitrose, Guanabara, Hampers, Oxford Street, Piccadilly, British Museum, Russell Square, my lovely dodgy area Mile End and Stepney Green, Hampstead, Wimbledon, Regents Park, Hyde Park, Leicester Square, and lots more places that I will remember for the rest of my life. Way too cool!

As George Michael says..

But hey, I just wanna live my life to the fullest. I don’t care if we’re only good at brief encounters or whatever. Even if we are not meant to be at the end but at least I have a good time. Go for someone whom you love to talk to, and I am now. Or I was?

Before sunset..

Or is it after? Maan I have no clue, but the thing is, being an adult is complicated, even life feels more immediate and you’ve got lots of things going on. Still sometimes I want to be back to my 18, well, for few days not forever. Work, life, love, all the departments seem so knotty.

A local..

Something that can be touched and not some stupid on screen creature. And the one who has the capability who can promise things that he will able to keep. The one that I can be sure that nothing surprising would happen if I hang on to him. Vaguely talked, placidly chatted. Sheesh, what world that I’m living in?

Academic vs Professional..

What’s the biggie? Well, you can say PhD, earning more money, getting married, balanced life, knowing the details of things you only know from books, giving up the idealism, trying something new, experiences that you’re always greedy in looking for. See, I told you, being an adult makes your life soo complex!

These are bits and pieces of what I’m thinking about these past few days.

Rini, Citra, Tika, Sly, Dini, Vina, Esther, Burcu, Rinita, Karl, Joao, Anette, Jossy. My life wouldn’t be the same without you guys. I’ve been missing you all.

so.. *sighs*

after being busy for the job that i’ve always wanted to experience, now i’m really not sure about doing it fot the long run. honestly, the stuff that i studied seemed HEAVEN, on protecting artists’ creativity, work of minds, flash of genius. well well, in the real life, it’s all about bribing the officials for getting patent renewals, protecting foreign investments (which results on having more expensive local prices).

sooo… when i didn’t have professional experience on this field, i wanted this job BADLY and now, after having my own cubicle, a brand new Dell computer, and some people helping my workload, suddenly i have this thought that this thing that i’ve been learning is not heaven at all! no free speech or fair dealing, no no educational purpose or private use, and it’s all about investment and money instead. damn shallow.

heck.. what have i done?

now i’m not sure if i want to do this Patent and Trademark qualification. tough.

and if there were more days to spend and more laughters to share..

it’s been more than four months sharing all the stories through wires and LCD. hundreds of hours spent and still, i never get bored. it has been our ups and downs, daily routines, songs and stories. it has been my tears, his midnite oil burns, our spare times. it has been morning calls and an encouraging sms before the interview. it has been ironing (yes, ironing!), makeover, shifting place, sharing photos, packing, studying, (almost) sleeping. it has been pillowtalks and serious discussions. it’s been arguments and heart-to-heart sessions.

" tomorrow, we’ll talk again.."

7 days spent. from wimbledon to east finchley. from leftover food to fancy £23 lobster resto. from museums and galleries to stupid black egg by the southbank. from a fairytale to amazing 3D. from food market to poshy Harrods. from Aphrodite to Peter Pan. from Constellation and Camera Obscura to identifying DNA and genes. it was my best week in London. places and mostly companion.

"and gimme your pinky, swear not to drink tonight!"

how once i wished to stay in the city only to keep the 304 miles distance. how i wished to give up my plans only to be, at least, closer. how i felt that i couldn’t bear the feeling of being far away. how i wished the time to drag me slowly. how i came to places and wished that he were there. uufff gosh! i still wish..

a smile for offline messages. a grin for a stupid face. laughter for lame jokes. a waiting time for it to appear online. hours firing away twenty questions. sleeping in a cranky state only because of one straightforward remark. an email to concise all the feelings. daydreams. hopes. faith. at least for me. and i always believe that people come to our lives for a reason. do you?

hey, i’m not leaving you, i’m just going home earlier..