the swansong
so since few days ago i’ve been already on the edge of my mid 20s. aww crapp! and five minutes ago i just reminisced my life through this blog and i realised, geee! i’ve had a lot of new experience! well i still have not enough self-help to cut the stupid twisted cord when i’m being strung along but at least i haven’t done anything stupid (yea-huh!).
so when i reached my big 26, i was in my major breakdown. mostly about this friggin wuv department as i do good at my work department, not much to say, earn some bucks, spend it, and the circle goes on and on.
well, where should i start? so it was initiated with la rupture long time ago but somehow the string is still attached, sometime it feels soo steady and safe to walk on it, once i even had a courage to soundly sing and happily put my hands in the air while i walk, sometime it feels like falling down and hanging on the string is a must thing to do as the safety net is not available down there.
now i almost reach the murky end and it’s my decision to be relied on. a good friend said that i have more than enough on my plate, am i sure to wanting this emotional (oops let me rephrase, an unstable emotional) state that will bother you all along? well, yes but no but yes but no, i’m not sure.
it was a great ride. really it was. never had a single thought of regretting any single part of it.
a part of me still wants to make the murkiness gets clearer, a part of me still wants to walk along the way and see if the epitome can be happily ended. a part of me still does want to stay. but yet a part of me doesnt’ want to be mistreated anymore and needs something real that will undoubtly last forever.
once i felt i was unworthy to be kept. once i felt soo happy i could dance on the table ignoring the people with frowns on their faces, once i felt soo loved, hurt, lifted up, abandoned, cared, and devastated. it’s been a rollercoaster ride i know. not only the adrenaline but also the fear of being torn into pieces if it’s derailed.
and now i think i’ve made up my mind. i don’t deserve to be put aside and strung along all the time. i need to climb down the ladder and stop being a trapeze artist even though some parts of me still madly yearn for a grand performance and a happy ending.
what a seven months. this will make a better me, i’m sure.
"am i will be found?"
