Mindbender

if Carole King can sing anyone at all with all her heart about someone out of the blue pops up coincidentally, then i can dream away. oh, what a year!

i’ve settled with a best friend who sometimes grumpy but all the time being the greatest. she listens and jokes around. we share tons of laughter and tears (from the jokes of course!). less than two weeks to count down. and shit i don’t want to! here, as i learn to do all of my home chores by myself and responsible to manage my financial including paying bills on time and making ends meet, i also find what i really want. ah yes, finally. soon we’re gonna scatter around the globe. as a lawyer, as a lecturer, as a student (again! OMG!), as a human right activist (teehee), as a researcher, as a housewife (anyone? hello? oh well..).

have tried to like beer but still can’t. still amazed to see some guys can live on beer only. bloodyhell! it’s like bitter, murky colour, and makes my stomach angry. have tried to enjoy wine but it makes me dizzy after the second sip. and leaves irremovable ugly stain on my lips. have tried cider, shots of lotsa stuff but they’re hell.

have experienced working my pants off til i felt MAD inside and felt like losing your hair bit by bit. finished my essay on time, or even a bit early, and with all the help from my friends, i dunno how actually, i managed to score (i hope!) on my hardest course. spent half of my days here in the beloved black building.

have built friendships with different kind of people, have experienced circus lookalike flat, have carried HUGE flattened boxes from Kings Cross to Stepney Green by myself, have walked in the shabbiest area at 2am at night with my panicky heartbeat and personal alarm in hand, have had a suprise picnic near the canal. have seen a woman bleeding at Greenwich like she had hemorrhage or stuff like that.

in the spare times from study groups and crazy essays and exams, i have fallen few times and didn’t work, hehe, and learn that the thing is you fall, you learn, and you move on. and i don’t mind. it enriches my epic life ^_^;;

have found my soul satellite who keeps me in the radar to cheer me up when i’m down, makes me smile when i’m cranky, makes me hum in the morning and brings me back from my detouring route. man i would be lost without you. i-heart-you as a bestfriend and a lover.

ahhh what a year. there is one thing i’m missing and i’ve planned to have it back. i will.

ps: and Pippilotta Viktualia Rullgardina Krusmynta Eframsdotter Langstrump should have said something but she just didn’t.. ^_^;;

I wish you bluebirds in the spring
To give your heart a song to sing
And then a kiss, but more than this
I wish you love
And in July a lemonade
To cool you in some leafy glade
I wish you health
But more than wealth
I wish you love
My breaking heart and I agree
That you and I could never be
So with my best
My very best
I set you free
I wish you shelter from the storm
A cozy fire to keep you warm
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
But most of all when snowflakes fall
I wish you love
I wish you love
I wish you love, love, love, love, love
I wish you love (Rachael Yamagata - I Wish You Love)

beberapa minggu yang lalu dia keliatan brewokan dan berantakan, dengan rambut ga disisir dan bau yang kira-kira 2 harian ga mandi, pernah saya pergokin dia tidur di karpet depan kamer saya dengan bau alkohol yang masya oloh nek dan pernah sekitar jam 3 pagi saya turun ke kitchen cari minum dia lagi nangis sambil dihubur 2 temennya. selidik punya selidik sambil nunggu toast di pagi hari, ternyata dia bilang, dia baru dapet kabar kalo pacarnya, yang udah dijanjiin bakal dikawinin sama dia selese program LLM ini, meninggal ketabrak truk waktu naek sepeda, dan gilanya dia ngerasa cewe itu masih hidup karena udah biasa jauhan dan dia masih bisa ngebayangin kl si wanita itu does her routine as always. mengerikan. dia sampe belom bilang orangtuanya kalo si wanita itu udah meninggal, takut katanya, dan ga tau mau bilang apa. akhir-akhir ini dia udah mendingan, udah kembali masak (dan mandi) walo tetep brewokan, tapi dia udah bisa ketawa lagi.

hari minggu yang lalu saya liat si wanita ini pake kacamata item gede sambil senyum-senyum di dapur, tapi ngga ngomong, tiap kali diajak ngomong dan ditanya "ada apa sih?" dia cuma naro telunjuk di bibir sambil senyum lagi, dikirain becanda. ternyata sampe kemaren dia masih diem aja, ngga makan ngga tidur (soalnya kamer saya dibawah kamer dia dan jam 2 pagi, jam 5 pagi kalo saya kebangun dia masih kedengeran mondar mandir dikamar, maklum flat tua, semuanya bunyi kalo gerak dikit juga) soalnya keliatan dia pucet banget dan ga keliatan bekas dia makan. semua kitchen utensils dan segala macem tetep di tempatnya. sering dia keliatan ngelamun di courtyard sambil pake syal nenek andelannya yg gede banget. tadi malem akhirnya kita semua (selain dia) rapat besar di kitchen dan bagi tugas, saya kebagian nelpon temen saya yang dulunya psikolog (dan sekarang dia tukang bikin pelem, lho?) dan minta pendapat kedua dari dokter rini. setelah denger semua pendapat akhirnya esther pergi ke konseling pagi ini dan kalo makin parah dalam 1-2 hari, kita bakal seret dia ke bagian konseling Queen Mary.

pernah ini cewe dateng ke kamer saya jam 11 malem sambil nangis mata bengkak bawa tisu sebox dan bilang, ga bisa punya hubungan kaya gini, racing with the time. karena mereka bedua tau kalo abis program ini beres, kecil kemungkinan kalo mereka bisa ketemu lagi. pernah mereka di kamer masing masing online dengan google earth di screen trus pura-puranya si cewe ini jalan bareng si cowo di taman depan rumahnya si cowo di selatan asia, aiih romantis. si cewe liberal metal produk barat dan si cowo islam abis dari Lahore yang selalu makan halal meat dari koshier. dan mereka (katanya) lagi jatoh cinta abis. hadoh.

sementara si wanita jepang lucu ini kerjaannya ngangguk ngangguk kalo diajak ngomong, dikirain ngga ngerti, abis dia cuma senyum senyum sambil bilang "umm, yeah yeah" pernah kejadian waktu cleaning lady brengsek itu ga bersiin kamer kita 2 minggu, esther dan saya udah pasang tampang kesel sambil ngomel-ngomel dan dia cuma ber uung-uung ria sambil nunduk-nunduk, ih ni anak nanggep ga sih, ternyata kalimat terakhir dari dia cukup mengagetkan, sambil tetep pasang penuh senyum ala orang jepang dan berintonasi sopan dia bilang " uung yes i think she’s just a lazy bastard.. ung uung.."

si lelaki ini tiba-tiba bilang "hey Citta, if we have time to answer the fourth question, can we do it?" maksudnya ngerjain pertanyaan keempat di exam kita, dan pagi itu saya megap megap jawab TIGA pertanyaan (yang emang harusnya dijawab tiga, bukan empat, d’oh!) di exam sampe pengen nangis. dan dia bilang dia mo ngerjain pertanyaan ke empat? silakan deh. oh iya si lelaki ini dulu sempet kaget pas denger saya muslim dan mergokin saya minum wine beberapa detik kemudian. oh well.

dan inilah keluarga saya di sini. Flat 1 Ifor Evans Place.

*sighs*

Trapped in this routine, still i’m counting down the days, silly i know, yes i’m longing, no i’m not in denial. No need flowers from the winner of Florist of the Year 2006 in Notting Hill (the cheapest costs £25 anyway, what a rip-off!), i just want to go to Tom’s and have a really nice brunch. It’s just across the road. The egg benedict is the best and the muffin is indescribable. I promise i’ll take you down Pembridge and Westbourne. If we have time, maybe we’re off to Hampstead, walk in the woods and have the nicest crepes (the one on Champs Elysees sucks!) on earth afterwards. We can sit on the bench near the antique lamppost with beautiful yellow dim light.

The day after, we can walk along the river from Tower Bridge to Jubilee Bridge. Quite a walk i know, but that’s the best way to show you the odd black egg-lookalike thingy that stands alone, the best angle of St. Paul, a blue ring on top of Tate Modern, the pier where you can look up to OXO, and the trees with blue light. Or maybe go to Leicester Square and see some skanky girls in skimpy skirts. You’re gonna love it, i know. I have millions of plans in my head.

Anyway, it was saturday when my anxiety was answered by placid nothing. Nothing as in nothing-nothing. Period. Great. 

so.. "you don’t know or you just don’t want to know?"