Mindbender

That was just me who had this placebo on my mind about this frivolous thing. Mere hallucination. Unimportant. Insignificant. Made me feel suffocated. I was being silly by thinking if i was all ears for hours and being nice all the time i would be able to catch this chatty rabbit. While in fact, i don’t like rabbits who talk a lot. They lie.

I was being used, completely. Yet i was a marionette and he was the puppeteer. Maybe i subconsciously enjoyed it and got tortured at the same time. Preposterous. I don’t know. Heck i am so proud i don’t want to admit it. Yes i am emotionally drained. I am so sick of it. Stop pestering me. Please.

Let the next one finds me and catches me and not the other way around. 

Ohyeahh! ^_^

I just went with Tika to Shakespeare Walk today, one of the events to remember his birthday. Eeer, i’m not sure if his birthday is today or tomorrow, heehee, but anyway, let’s continue the story.

I’m not a big fan of him, well i know some of his works but, hell i really enjoyed the walk! so, being able to join this lovely bunch of shakespeare lovers makes me in the mood to talk about his works ^^;;

Well to be honest, i haven’t watched all of his works and i haven’t read A SINGLE of his works! i mean completely read the book, the dialogue, word by word. Sheesshh i can’t stand it, it’s full with thou thee shall o beware, HECCKKK!oh but i read the first part of Anthony & Cleopatra and Twelfth Night looong time ago, i couldn’t stand it anyway, so i Googled the summary instead =P

However, i have to admit his plays ARE HELL FABULOUS! i can fully appreciate the expressions, the quotes, the lines by seeing people performing it. Anyway, the play is the thing wherein I’ll catch the conscience of the King. So lets start!

It is said that the most popular work is Hamlet, well so i tried to watch it, on DVD (^_^) with Ethan Hawke and Julia Stilles in the movie, oohh it’s such a tragedy! everybody dies at the end and i can’t stand it, so depressing, and this part about The Ghost is soo far fetched, because this work is adapted to a really modern setting, so i was thinking oh ye! what a silly scene.. oops.. hehe but anyway, to be or not to be! =P

ok next is Othello, again, a tragedy *sigh* and on DVD! (oh shessh Citta puh-leeze!) because i tried (hey at least i tried to read the REAL book ok!) to read the book and again it didn’t work, also there is this adorable Josh Hartnett in the movie, so i gave it a shot! it turned out to be okay, i rather enjoyed it in fact, apart from fabulous Hugo, it’s also because Odin was played brilliantly by Mekhi Phifer. I love the way the story is adjusted into something which looks like students’ kind of life, u know, live in halls of residence with roomies and a basketball match. Therefore, it looks so normal and real, well still this story is depressing but in a way, very poetic..

Next one is my favorite so far. Midsummer Night Dream! and  there is Callista Flockheart in this movie. It is soo crazy! really! about four people get spelled and enchanted by a mischievous fairy, Puck, so they turn out to have a crush on each other in a silly way (like spellbound!) and chase each other in a forest. I love it! It’s so hectic and hillarious. Too bad the forest looks really artificial, it even doesn’t look outdoor! here is one of the qouotes:

"Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind."  aaaaaww… (^_^)v

Now it’s the time for tear-jerker story, Romeo and Juliet! I have watched the old and the new version of this play. The one with lovely Olivia Hussey as Juliet (i remember her name because she was my dad’s fav actress) and the one with so-damn-cute Leonardo DiCaprio. For sure, i like the latest better than the old one. I like the way they adapt ‘the dagger’ into a gun, this gang war in Verona, and the scene with the aquarium in the Ball is personally i think very beautiful! Spot on!

Here is another quote: " Is love a tender thing? it is too rough, Too rude, too boist’rous, and it pricks like thorn." oh! so damn deep, you go Romeo!

I watched the play of Merchant of Venice at a local theatre in my hometown and it was played in a picturesque auditorium. I don’t quite remember the story but it’s mainly about a pound of flesh owed by someone (sheeshh sorry about my fish memory!) and that someone has to pay it back to Sheylock (oh forgive me if the name is wrong), a loan shark, antagonist person. Also there is a glimpse of Anti-semitic story of Jews and Christian. Because it was played by local artists in my city and they translated the act perfectly, so i give them two thumbs up!

Oh heck, what a long entry! Next time, if i’m in the mood, i’m gonna tell you the rest of Shakespeare works that i’ve ever watched, such as MacBeth, King Lear, and The Winter Tale. And hopefully i’ve watched more of his other plays too by that time! Oh, and also after joining the walk, i’ve promised to myself that i’m going to read some of his sonnets too.

So now, shall we close this entry with my favorite quote from Othello which was said sexily (sheesh does this word exist?) by my dream hunk, Josh Hartnett =P oops i mean Hugo:

" All my life I always wanted to fly. I always wanted to live like a hawk. I know you’re not supposed to be jealous of anything. But to take flight, to soar above everything and everyone, now that’s living." Awww.. isn’t it beauuttiifuul?

Pull out my eyebrows. Make those curvy ones. Hurts like hell.

Blow dry your hair. Don’t tie it up in a pony tail.

Base. Powder. Eyelash Curler. Eye shadow. Eye Liner. Mascara. Rouge. Lipstick.

Wear my pretty dress. and chic coat.

Match it with a bag. and a necklace. and earrings too.

The utmost important thing is wearing the right shoes. High heels or stilleto if i can stand the pain.

Swing your hip. Head Up. Smile. Hit the road.

Am i already pretty?

Now it’s Version Two..

Jacket and scarf.

My ugly brown bag. But it fits A4 folder so i don’t care.

And my boring white shoes.

Put my iPod on. A book to kill time.

Ready and jump on the tube.

Am i still considered to be pretty? or just some geeky girl who is too cheap to buy fancy make up?

You tell me.

"Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it feels like an hour.

Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it feels like a minute.

That’s relativity. "(Albert Einstein)

With a wit and intelligence like Stephen Hawkings, altogether with his complexity and scientific mind but can answer all questions with clarity like in A Brief History of Time.

With a passion towards movies and music like my beloved good friend Sly.

With a bright smile and almost like an angel personality that can tolerate my moodswings and crankiness. (Sheesh i can’t find the person for this).

With a really nice sense of humour like Luke, a bit of crispiness =P but still at the same wavelength. And grins like a child.

With a humanitarian and adventurous personality like He-Who-Must-Be-Named who works not only for himself but also touches people’s lifes around him.

Who reads books,news and has a sharp mind like one of my best buddies Erwin.

..and looks like River Phoenix, or Hayden Christensen, or Brandon Boyd. But i can put aside this criterion. ^^;;

Anyone?

After 5 years 2 months and 2 days.

It was not me, i just stupidly convinced myself that i was the only diamond in the gallery, i was so young, so naive, totally inexperienced, everything i did involved love (yes people, you can puke!), and my world revolved around this stupid shit.. how daft and moron! I did not even love myself, i acted morosely, i could not even force myself to eat when the show was over, foolish me!

I spent more than 2.5 years devotedly making this crap as the gravity of my orbit, the object of my satellite, and spent more than 4 years afterwards loving the ruins, keeping the pieces of jumble, wallowing over my mistakes (which now i’m not sure whether it’s mine or his), rummaging the memories, hoping to turn back the time (which is so damn impossible, you fool!), the point is i was fucked! Screwed to the core.

I had new experiences but the gravity still pulled myself down, gosh it took ages to pull myself together from this unnecessary insignificant matter, the thing that i regret most was I DID NOT EVEN LOVE MY SELF, first years i even forgot my pride and dignity, i acted like an unconscious stupor, bugger!

Took damn ages.

To collect my complete bits, it’s like 1000 unorganised pieces of jigsaw puzzle scrambled in one box! now i am here, saying hell, what was i thinking?  how could i be so wrecked without even thinking of myself? not thinking that there would be a lesson in every hard time, not thinking that it could be a blessing in disguise. Sheesh i was young.

But now i know this self-destructing period is over, completely.

Thank God. Let it be one of the memories in my epic life. Let it be!

Pramoedya Ananta Toer namanya..

Waktu saya SMU, teman saya, Japra, asik baca Bumi Manusia di ruang OSIS sampe lupa makan, jadi karena penasaran, saya akhirnya pinjem, jaman itu saya cuma baca novel sebangsa John Grisham, Michael Crichton,  dan Mary Higgins Clark, dan berhubung dulu masih SMU dan masih anak gaoll (coba di-Google, SMU 5 Bandung, SMU paling gaooul yg banyak menelorkan artis2 lokal, hehehe) saya males baca-baca buku Indonesia, mindset saya dulu western sekali, baca majalah Dolly, buku2 luar, denger lagu berlirik asing, uuuh betapa membosankan! Dulu saya ngga tau Chairil Anwar punya banyak puisi bagus (coba baca Cintaku Jauh di Pulau, it’s my favorite!), ga tau Ayu Utami, Dewi Lestari dan penulis2 wanita Indonesia ngga kalah dari Sophie Kinsella dan Candace Bushnell..

Tapi sejak saya baca Bumi Manusia, saya jadi ketagihan baca literatur Indonesia! ga tanggung-tanggung tetralogi abis dibabat dalam dua minggu, diteruskan Gadis Pantai, Arus Balik yang setebal batu bata, dan beberapa essay pendek karangannya..

Saya suka kata2 Minke di Anak Semua Bangsa: "Ya, Ma, kita sudah melawan, Ma, biarpun hanya dengan mulut." gila! brilian! betapa ajaibnya pengaruh kata-kata dan buku-buku yang kita baca! pantesan dulu tahanan politik kalo ketauan baca secarik kertas aja bisa dipukulin..

Oiya, dan saya suka bagaimana dia cerita pengalamannya diasingkan sampai ke Pulau Buru. Saya bencii denger koleksi buku dan arsip tulisannya dibakar oleh tentara! Kurang ajar! membakar buku-buku, jahat sekali!

Tadinya saya ga mau tahu soal perjuangan bangsa Indonesia, ahh sebodo! Nah mungkin ini dia cara pandang remaja Indonesia pada umumnya tentang bangsanya, seperti saya waktu SMU, how unbelievably ignorant! tapi sejak saya baca buku Pramoedya, saya mulai tertarik baca2 tentang Indonesia, dari Soekarno dan demokrasi terpimpinnya, sampe cerita-cerita yang dulu banyak ditutup-tutupi pada masa orde baru, ah presiden-presiden kita ini, ckckck.. duh sok tahu!padahal saya ngga suka politik lho, sok kasih komentar!

But i still think politicians just ARGUE, they don’t think.. ^_^ maap ya kalo ada yg tersinggung, saya kan orang awam.. hehehe..

Pada intinya, aduh apa ya! hahaha ngelantur lagi deh, maklum ini krisis seperempat abad, pokonya saya bangga, bapak kita satu ini adalah pembuat perubahan, setidaknya di hidup saya, dia (peraih Nobel Prize lho!) ngga takut untuk berbicara apa yang ada di kepalanya dan bikin perubahan dari goresan pena, ahh saya cuma orang biasa, tapi saya ingin seperti dia..

(ps: the photo was given by Citra, thx!)

Ok i’m gonna be friggin 25 next month! scary, time does fly so fast!

saya mau apa? saya mau jadi apa? saya mau kemana? i wanna touch people’s lifes but i wanna have enough money to see the world! i wanna have kids, wanna have a perfect family, but i don’t wanna give up my job cuz i love working sooo much, i love to be busy, i love deadlines and teamwork, i love to be busy! i wanna teach kids, i wanna do more research, i want to practise law in the UK (don’t ask why i don’t wanna practise in Indo, okay!), i wanna travel around the world working in an NGO, helping developing countries with their IT laws, silly girl, you only can choose one carreer okay, don’t be that greedy!

if i check out other chevening scholars’ blogs, i always feel like i’m the simplest scholar amongst all! i still have no prestigious achievements, i don’t have a cool job such as an international newspapers journalist or a pediatrician in a jungle, i can’t write about politics on my blog, just some silly stuff, ramblings about life.. i don’t have this idealism and philosophical way of thinking, sheesshhh… i’m just lucky perhaps, lucky for a common gurl like me to get this scholarship, lucky bastarddd!!

i’m really scared to be stupid, but i’m too damn lazy to give a damn about politics and philosophers etc, i keep reading this low brow chicklits instead..

i read this in someone’s profile..

sheesh, is it really THAT shallow? i mean, mere lust like a couple of rabbits breeding during spring? mygoodness, if it’t true, means i’m in deepshit,seriously..

i have uncontrollable ‘lust’ to this pot-bellied guy with flappy hair, oddly lanky yet he looks a bit awkward like a scarecrow, soo damn scruffy with his long hair, soulpatch, beard, goatee, and everything that is able to grow on his face, he’s got these protruding eyes like popeye, and has lil bit of grey hair here and there amongst his thick jetblack hair..

and the best part is he’s the opposite of what you call ‘fashionista’, he’s a fashion disaster.. or even worse, catastrophe! sheeshh sheeessshhh… it amazes me.. how come lust grow without physical attraction? how come? hooowww cooomeee??

oh yeah, and he’s not that smart either..

and i am exaggerating too much.. ^_^ totally babbling..

blah blah blah..

hey! how come it’s so bright up there? it’s only a tiny bit of crescent showing behind the cloud..

can you imagine how shiny it is if it’s full moon? can i knock it down by throwing something at it? can i jump really really high just to touch the tip of it? what i want is only getting its attention, because seeing from far sometimes feels soo frustrating..

i wanna grab it, i wanna know how it feels to touch it, i wanna sense it and feel it nearby, so terribly longing for it..

goddamn craving for it, like Artemis seeing the shiny Orion..

like Altair falling in love with Vega although they’re separated by a river between their two lands..

like seeing Milky Way as a faint path across the night sky..

feels soo far, as i stretched out my finger toward the horizon and gaze to the full moon rising, still it’s out of my reach..

hey saya tidak bodoh, saya tidak segitu butanya untuk melihat kalo semua ini udah kaya benang kusut yg ga bisa diapa2in lagi, tinggal dibuang aja dan beli benang baru, kalo mo terus coba dilurusin lagi bakal bikin rambut saya ubanan kaya rambut kamu, jadi saya memohon.. sudahlah.. lupakan lupakan.. lupakan rajutan yang udah setengah jadi dan harus ambrol soalnya benangnya kusut..

lupakan, kan bisa beli rajutan yang jadi dan siap pakai di mangga dua, jadi marilah kita lupakan saja.. saya ngga pernah maksa untuk merajut kok, emang tau kalo dari dulu udah ga bakat merajut, jadi mendingan kita lupakan saja.. toh merajut ngga gitu penting, ga bikin kita mati kelaparan atau langit runtuh..

" i wish i knew how to quit you.. (Jack Twist)"