I wish you well and I wish you great joy. I wish you happiness and strength to get through even the hardest day. I wish you wisdom and cleverness, yet I wish you to stay humble and down-to-earth. Happy birthday my good old-fashioned loverboy, you are special and you are loved. Inside and out.
a very good friend of mine always utters his objection towards me. whether he says i’m being foolish, stupid, gullible, etc. am i? sometime when the logic says eject, the intuition says the opposite. and guess which one prevails?
a friend says i have to liberate myself because without those burdening matters, i will be fine, completely. will i? i have experienced spending my days away thinking about this and the quest remains the same. i do want to fix. i do want to stick around. sheeshh maybe i AM foolish!
another bestfriend says that i have to deal with it. it’s us who know better than anyone else and stories won’t be the same. to think of every single action for the sake of this. man it’s horrid i know. maybe i will stop. eventually, when the oase has drained and the wishing well runs out of wishes and coins.
I mean, what is fidelity? the feeling that I possess a body and a soul that aren’t mine? (Paulo Coelho - The Zahir)
—
how i can’t let go the madness that finally erases me off the reality is beyond my control. how i always stumble upon small pebbles and wish to go back when i fall off. how i always feel like finding my oase on Mojave Desert. how i love to obsess and not to walk away (as i’ve promised).
to stay here instead of whisking away. i’m living and dreaming synonymous presence and i just can’t wake up. or i don’t want to.
you are the astrolabe, the vein of a marble in a column of a mosque, the tiger and the twenty centavo. day and night. ebb and flow. right and wrong. dream and waking moment. madness and holiness.
every single thing in my tiniest atomic parts.
its protons. in every single angstrom.
—
For You, my asleep and my all times.
so since few days ago i’ve been already on the edge of my mid 20s. aww crapp! and five minutes ago i just reminisced my life through this blog and i realised, geee! i’ve had a lot of new experience! well i still have not enough self-help to cut the stupid twisted cord when i’m being strung along but at least i haven’t done anything stupid (yea-huh!).
so when i reached my big 26, i was in my major breakdown. mostly about this friggin wuv department as i do good at my work department, not much to say, earn some bucks, spend it, and the circle goes on and on.
well, where should i start? so it was initiated with la rupture long time ago but somehow the string is still attached, sometime it feels soo steady and safe to walk on it, once i even had a courage to soundly sing and happily put my hands in the air while i walk, sometime it feels like falling down and hanging on the string is a must thing to do as the safety net is not available down there.
now i almost reach the murky end and it’s my decision to be relied on. a good friend said that i have more than enough on my plate, am i sure to wanting this emotional (oops let me rephrase, an unstable emotional) state that will bother you all along? well, yes but no but yes but no, i’m not sure.
it was a great ride. really it was. never had a single thought of regretting any single part of it.
a part of me still wants to make the murkiness gets clearer, a part of me still wants to walk along the way and see if the epitome can be happily ended. a part of me still does want to stay. but yet a part of me doesnt’ want to be mistreated anymore and needs something real that will undoubtly last forever.
once i felt i was unworthy to be kept. once i felt soo happy i could dance on the table ignoring the people with frowns on their faces, once i felt soo loved, hurt, lifted up, abandoned, cared, and devastated. it’s been a rollercoaster ride i know. not only the adrenaline but also the fear of being torn into pieces if it’s derailed.
and now i think i’ve made up my mind. i don’t deserve to be put aside and strung along all the time. i need to climb down the ladder and stop being a trapeze artist even though some parts of me still madly yearn for a grand performance and a happy ending.
what a seven months. this will make a better me, i’m sure.
"am i will be found?"
this morning i woke up with a huge smile on my silly sleepy face..
and that is so surprising considering few days ago i felt like gulping a bottle of obat nyamuk baygon and sleeping for 100 years like Aurora. couldn’t be bothered listening to my friends and couldn’t be bothered smiling. funny life, where a single remark can brighten up your days, oh wait, not a single remark, it’s a single thought, a funny song, and a long sentence! funny how people around us affect us so much and something idyllic sometime is only like a mirage. looks real but damn unreal. next time, try to find an oase instead so you and your camel won’t be dehydrated in the middle of a vast desert.
i vouch for keeping my delighful life where i can eat tons of chocolate bars and drink litres of strawberry banana smoothie without a significant someone telling me not to do so. ah screw you. i hate to stay awake at night and find baggy eyes in the morning. don’t you like seeing me happy? again, i’m rambling on. oh my dearest life, why don’t you come home so we can eat seafood pinggir jalan together. the matter about stomachache or allergies can be sorted later. aight?
oh dad i wish i could talk to you now. been trying to solve my own problems and be as cool-headed as i can but apparently i can’t. remember you told me long time ago that whenever i feel like it’s been too much, don’t just walk away? yes dad. i’m doing it your way but now i wonder where all my pride has gone. i wonder why i should ride on roller coaster while i already feel nauseous. i wonder why i have to eat all those broccoli and turnips while it taste so bland. i wonder why i have to keep on doing something that makes me weary. just because of stupid faith. goddarn faith. now i don’t even know what i’m hanging on to, because perhaps there isn’t any since the beginning. or maybe there is but it’s soo well-hidden. why something that makes you truly happy has to be this hard to get? or it’s only the satisfaction of the pursuit itself while the thing is not really that spectacular? oh God only knows.
lesson’s learned. all these quarrels are just not right.
from thursday to sunday. (in random order).
airport. puncak and muffin-lookalike poffertjes. long conversations. sate padang and soo delighted to finally eat proper food again, not some too-much-MSG chinese food in the streets or fatty broiler chicken in worldwide franchised restos. some friends’ rendezvous and a goddarn hot topic. a brilliant companion (million thanks my dear!) throughout the weekend. congo. breeze and some mid-aged lady from ol’ time. the holiday. a kick-ass ayam goreng and its crisps. abundant laundry. lotsa oleh-oleh. happy tears. brazil trip and a wedding that i missed. a delayed works that needs to be done soon! purple poloshirt and shorts (wicked!). mild and rather rainy weather. ‘digigit buaya’ incident. too many indescribable things and feelings. uh-so i wish to have million, trillion, zillion more weekends like this in the future. and i’m so happy so delighted i could dance all night with a huge grin on my face!
Find time’s never wasted, when it’s ours to kill
I know in all the right places, you’re touching me still
And I swear, I love you..
(In All the Right Places-Lisa Stansfield)
drove along menteng asking kiri kanan since i’m such a streetblind since i was a kid, especially in this horrible city where people hitting their horns like playing didgeridoo. was i driving next to you with your aching leg? yes. was i happy? oh yes. did you hold my hand? correct. was the last discussion concluded that we’re going nowhere or the alley starts narrowing down? bah. as long as i’m with you. cliche, cuikhh! i’m not a shrink and i don’t do future predictions a la nostradamus or some mama-mama on TV who looks like a middle aged lady in a dairy products ad. you can do anything you like and find out that i’m still hanging on. touch my arm. kiss my hair. squeeze my hand. joke around as you please. hurt me. leave/ditch me. toss me away. anything. emang bego dari sananya gimana dong?
oh dear love i would love to meet you daytime but i have to sit in my crib and type and do research and translate and so on and so on. my darling, after working hour feels like this fatigue defeats all the longing and yearning. however, do meet me online when the mood gets worse and the workload gets monotonous. or do send me some sporadic emails saying me miss yah a lot and need to do babytalk nyunyunyu bububu. in a cab with the anxiety of getting mugged or raped, and gurgling stomach needs urgent feeding, still the girl with glasses daydreams of a land far far away from here. or someone who lives on it. or the memories of it. whatever. when meebo cannot connect please be awaited & patient as the log-in process will take bloody ages.
gee, i miss you.
and the first thing i want might be you. might be.
work department
i’m definitely wearing myself down here, some people say just leave the unwanted and the tiring (and low paying ^_^) but it’s not that easy. i’ve got some nice colleagues apart from the annoying ones. i hate the bureaucracy but i love the work. teaching is always be my ultimate passion. i contribute and i am upgraded. sometimes this feels too demanding and feels like i want to breakdown and cry out loud. the other one is soo much fun, i feel like Ally McBeal in longer skirt (and heavier weight of course!). If i could, i would take it full time, but i’ve promised myself to balance, to spare some of your fading idealism by doing more noble thing to the institution that needs me. do they? oh well..
i see people trying to trip over, i see people talk behind my back, i see people try to support but not be able to say anything, i see myself pressurised which never happened before. the thing that i realise is i can’t just walk away if i don’t like it, but i have lack of personal problem solving ability. oh geee help me God. i need to wake up in the morning with enthusiasm to be off working..
past department
still missing co-op around the corner and the old-fashioned Stepney Green tube station. i sometimes imagine myself getting off at Russel Sq, cross the road and buy some cold sandwiches for lunch at the park with Esther, Karl and Joao. when weekend comes, Hoxton Square is the place that lingers where we sometimes go home very late, walki along the commercial road to whitechapel half wasted (or totally trashed?), those good old days. galleries and exhibitions are the things i remember the most as i will get a text from Anette to go to contemporary video artclips and the latest exhibition in the Turbine Hall. the girl night out with Rinita, Jossy and Burcu is always so much fun and ends up talking about guys all night or watch DVD with popcorns in hands.
love department
i’ve got a perfect one. enuff said.
so these are some updates from the past (almost) three months of my life back home. to have my sisters and my mum around, a proper house to live in (and my own crib upstairs!) not a cubicle called flat, and works to make me feel needed. i am blessed.
